End is Near…

Here I am… still breathing, some days I need to check if I am. I went back to school the end of January and it has been a tough hall. It went well at first (like usual), and of course my body decides to freak out – in all sense of the word lol. Not only does my body physically fail me, but my mind fails me as well.

Failing is something I have been good at over the years and then making it this far in something, and then things getting hard, rather because of my illness or otherwise — I freak out. My husband and even my teacher said today that it is fear that is causing a lot right now with me mentally. Afraid to fail and to succeed. I have made it this far (weeks from end of the semester), and struggling a bit because of getting “sick” and falling behind in all my classes. I was doing so well in my classes, all A’s and one B. Now I know one of my A’s will fall to a B, and my B might fall to a C. My brain, because of years of quitting when things get hard, wants to quit! (Really I do NOT!) Amazing how someone that has failed time and time again, hates getting bad grades huh?! lol

Trying to focus is an issue I am struggling with… blame it on getting older, on stress, on Parkinson’s – who knows. The end is near, and I want to do this for myself. I cannot let it ruin me.

—- Stand strong even when you feel you cannot… you are still breathing, keep striving forward…

 

Frozen

37 years old… what have a I learned? Obviously not much. What do I want to be when I grow up? Where do I want to go, do?

Been great at dreaming big but from the time I was a child I have failed almost every damn time. Over, over, and over again.

Here I sit, back to school. Frozen, stuck… no clue how to do this. I KNOW how to, but it’s like my brain stopped, cold! I can sit here and be positive say shit I don’t believe- does that REALLY help? No, you have to believe what you say or it is a waste of time and energy.

 

Piece of Heaven

She sits alone, alone in her own thoughts
Struggling to stay strong…
Everyone spouts their words thinking they know best…
But they do not know the pain that rips out her heart and tears at her soul, at her ever being
A part of her is missing, a part that no one can ever replace…
All she can do is keep pushing through, doing her best to smile and carry on all while remembering that little piece of heaven she misses with every being of her soul.

To my dear friend, I love you and know that you alone know how you feel, no one can tell you otherwise… But know that I am besides, behind, and in front of you! Your angel and mine are making rainbows for us and having fun together. ❤

Time

Time, where does it go? Always something to do, somewhere to go… what to do we do next? I do not know how to even breathe lately. The writing I want to do, doesn’t happen. How does this mother that doesn’t even have a full time job not have time?! I know I’m suffering from an illness, but I’m not an laid out in bed (well not every day lol) – but the errands, house, etc. my dreams, plans, never happen. I feel like I do not even know how to make anything happen that I want to anymore. Here I sit finally writing SOMETHING and my anxiety is through the roof wondering what needs to be done next.

What about my dreams? School? Personal training? Finish writing my “book” or story. Guess I need to figure some things out… But what goes to the way side?

Feeling Alone, Being Alone?

The battle of feeling alone, not wanting to be alone, to wanting to be ALONE!!!

Some days I feel so secluded and alone — scared, dying to be with someone

Some days, the noise, the things to do, feeling miserable — I just want to be ALONE!

Day in day out struggle, just another roller coaster of my life…

My body is fighting with my mind, you feel like crap, no you do not- it’s just in your head… Struggle every step I take lately, physically. Fights with my mind to give up. I will not give up… I cannot.

Still searching, still looking for that answer – the one that redefines me as a person. Constantly a battle I fight daily, looking for me, who I truly am.

Am I happy with who I am redefined as?

That is what I am striving to be… is just a better person overall, physically screwed up or not!

Beauty

Beauty… Outward? Varying opinions on such… Long hair, short hair
Beautiful eyes, body?
Beauty… Inward? Seemingly beautiful. Act so sweet, so kind… Like loving to all — but what truthfully lies in your soul
Evil, dark, crippling all around you
Deceit — slowly your soul will be revealed for who you really are
Left with nothing to show, no longer beautiful.
Beauty — what really lies, inside and out.

Me!

Struggle Within

Struggle to fight, to win – is a daily fight. To win what? The battle of life, of happiness, or on days like lately, just to survive – to not be a zombie. One second I find that fight need inside, the strength that I know I have – then moments later it is lost. Lost in the depths of a soul that is lost and alone.

Montana had a huge change in weather, summer to WINTER. Lets just hope it gives us some fall weather. Mix between major flare up in health, trying to figure out what’s going on with health, change in medication, and it being cloudy suddenly is making it HARD to even leave the house. Trying… really am! Hey, I went to the gas station!

Happy Face

Things been bothering me a lot lately… and blog issupposed to be a place I can write about how I feel… we’ll see if that bites me in the ass.

As long as I lived — I’ve had a hard time talking to people how I feel, and one big reason I haven’t is the way people respond. Always bossy, always saying that the way I feel is wrong. Mostly they think they are trying to help but by basically saying that I should feel or do something different IS basically the same thing – in my opinion. Why I have even through severe mental illness, I kept on my happy face… through loss of my sons, miscarriage, infertility, divorce, single parenting, loss of my fertility completely, dx of parkinson’s… happy face. Only few select people could see through me. Now when I finally complain (which is BOUND to happen) its again wrong… I’m being negative. I cannot be positive all the time! I really do try… I am not complaining but what i KNOW i have… I am surely blessed, that I know. But I can be upset sometimes too. That happy face is bound to crack!

Oh yeah, another thing that bothers me is that “well, you look good” comment. Well, thanks for the compliment but sure don’t want to walk around looking pissed and miserable all the time. When I can tell you 90% of the time anymore I AM! Actually something I had to remind my husband of last night, just because I am smiling and happy some days does not mean physically I am doing well. Sometimes sure, but most of the time it is not the case.

Positivity is one thing I honestly never have been good at, but I try not to walk around like a negative person. Not what I want others to think of me and esp for my kids to learn from. But… inside that’s me. Guess, like it or not.

No Poetry

Keep thinking of things to write about but not sitting down to write, and now when I do I am blank…

Things are rough again, today I basically slept most of the day. Fighting off a virus or something. Makes my whole horrible body shut down. Struggle just to stand. Feel weak. Mentally it takes me down as well…

I miss feeling like “myself” and I wonder who am I really? it pisses me off that this is defining me as a person… I do not want to redefine who I am NOW. It took me a LONG time to find who I really was… 36, and lost all over again.